That’s right. Don’t exclude anyone this holiday by saying ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘Happy Hannukah.’ There is a perfectly good, inclusive alternative to such catchphrases, plus this one retains the identity of each holiday recognizably and is very easy to say. Rmeember to always use the phrase ‘Happy Chrismahanakwanzadan!’ when greeting your friends this holiday season. It’ll make everybody feel good, especially whacko liberal Senators and the ACLU. We don’t want those people angry, now do we? ‘Happy Chrismahanakwanzadan!’ Remember it! It’ll make everybody feel all warm and politically correct inside.

And also remember this holiday season, please remember to punish all your local evil capitalistic oil industries with profit taxes! They don’t deserve such obscene profits that they got through price gouging. What is price gouging? Oh, we don’t really know, but it sure ticks people off when we say it! It’s really cool how all those peasants down there jump and grab pitchforks when we say it. It’s so funny. They hop like bunny rabbits, and then they let us take their money away from them. Ha! Look, they did it again! But really, that money should go to the politicians who will find much more useful, fair, and efficient ways to spend it. Like on extremely valuable public projects in Alaska. It’s a shame that bridge got defunded, but hey! That money can be spent in an even better way, you know?

And also remember to not spend, invest, or save wisely this holiday season, but to take that money out of your wallet and make a nice donation to your hardworking, morally upright representatives in Congress. You’re helping the nation when you do so! Thanks!

Happy Chrismahanakwanzadan!

gets mobbed by angry winter solstice observers